I go on an annual trip with a group of women I’ve known for 20 years. It’s a special getaway. But one of the women has become increasingly negative: She makes judgmental comments about the rest of us and browses social media during meals. In fairness, her life is very different from ours: She is the only one of us who doesn’t have children or a thriving career. A few years agovoslot, one of us talked to her privately about our impression that she wasn’t having a good time. She expressed surprise, but then confessed that she felt self-conscious about contributing to group conversations. We never exclude her, so that means that someone has to talk to her one on one at the expense of participating in group conversations. And the snarky comments continue. Do we have to keep inviting her?
FRIEND
I sympathize: A malcontent making cutting remarks from the sidelines is a downer. And it was generous for one of you to tell your friend privately how her behavior was landing. Still, it takes 20 years to make a 20-year friendship. So, I wouldn’t exclude her rashly — or without the agreement of the group. And as luck would have it, I have an idea for bringing her into the fold.
If I understand correctly, the group comprises several working mothers with successful careers and this one childless friend. Rather than siloing her off during group activities with a special handler, give her a group hug, instead: Make her the center of attention one night. Ask her how she spends her time. Who are the important people in her life? What brings her joy? She may appreciate your interest.
I get that it’s easier to spend time with people whose lives are like ours: We understand them from the jump. But it can be illuminating to see people who have chosen differently. And if your friend feels self-conscious around you, the group’s sincere interest in her might help her feel more comfortable — which may, in turn, cut down on the snark and your desire to exclude her.
ImageCredit...Miguel PorlanImpersonal CorrespondenceI gave my 28-year-old grandson and his new wife $500 as a wedding gift. Yesterday, I received their thank-you note: It was laser printed (and signed), and the wording was generic, with no reference to my actual gift. But the real shocker: The note began with my given name — not the affectionate nickname my grandson has called me his whole life. I can hardly express how disappointed and angry I am that the note was so impersonal. Should I say something, or is this the way things are now?
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